It’s been awhile since my company was the blank page. It’s hard to even believe it’s taken me this long to get back. With great pain and the passage of time the words start to flow out again. I always feel such chaos whenever my emotions seem to be taking over my body. It hardly seems fair. A lot of people might use the opportunity to abuse various drugs, alcohol, or sex. Oh, not me, I’ve changed my ways! 

I’ve heard people say that the people that  are the most sensitive are the ones that get hurt the most. Maybe, just maybe, they are also the ones that fucking snap at times and people should be kinder to one another. I almost can understand some of the violence circulating around the world these days. The car bombs, the murdering of police officers, the violent films and movies. BOMB BOMB BOMB. It’s all just so you can feel something again. People do these things because they want someone else to feel the pain they felt at some point. It must make sense at the time. Not saying it’s right. In fact, every time I see these awful things people do to one another another tiny piece of my heart shatters. I’m not even sure how I’m being held together at this point. 

The older I get the more I realize that the pain is never really going to end. It’s just going to keep coming in one way or another. You can’t even be prepared for it anymore. All you can do is hope that you can somehow deal with it all. I have to say though, I’m running low on optimism. The world just feels so fucking ludicrous to me. TRUST NO ONE. ALL YOU HAVE IS YOURSELF. WE ALL DIE ALONE. 

Whoa...it's 2014?

It's a new year--2014! Guess it's been awhile. I can remember when I used to write something everyday and sometimes pages and pages at a time to some special people I used to know. We all have to grow up and get "responsible" at some point--supposedly. I am still struggling with the fact that I am actually considered an adult. I don't feel all that much older. I remember complaining all the time in high school how my life was so hard in obligatory away messages. What did I have to do besides go to school, work, and deal with my parents? It seems so easy looking back on all of that now.

My new goal for the new year is to write more often and also to lose at least 35lbs. Somehow when I started cooking for myself and going out on wonderful dinner dates with my beau I gained some extra weight in what seems like over night. I can't believe it! I guess your metabolism really does change when you get older! *GASP* I remember saying things like, "Oh just kill me if I am not a size 4 or if my thighs touch." I guess you can say I have a healthy appetite. I do seriously love cooking though! I have become quite the passionate home cook which I'm sure is no surprise to anyone that's ever been over to my house. I feed EVERYONE--like they haven't eaten all day. In fact, I hope I have a bunch of boys some day so then my cooking will make sense.

My favorite cook books of recent are: Dollars to Donuts; Cook's Encyclopedia; and Simply in Season/More with Less. 

Proscuitto/Peas Rissotto

I have been cooking chicken risotto like crazy. Matt loves it and it reheats really well too. I'm not sure how healthy it is though! In fact, I've started counting my calories for the first time in my life ever and it's very depressing. I thought I was a normal person--I put sugar in my coffee, I don't eat breakfast usually, but I do eat lunch and dinner! I honestly never thought I was ever really over indulging. Except when I bake a bunch of cookies obviously but who can resist hot chewy chocolate chip cookies out of the oven?! Apparently the ribs/brown rice I had for lunch was basically my calories for the day. I had just 200 calories left for dinner. So I had popcorn & champagne! Cheers to the new year and the new YOU whatever your endeavors may be.

No direction home

Why is it so hard to figure out what you want to do? I've been thinking about this a lot lately seems how I was unable to find a teaching job. Actually, I had a teaching job but I decided that it was too far away and I just thought I will find something where I live, even if it isn't teaching. I am always so hopeful! Now the first week of teachers being back at school has passed me by and I'm starting to feel a little anxious. It doesn't help that my only job right now is lifeguarding and everyday people ask me when I'm going back to school. They always mistake me for a high school or college student. All day I just sit in the chair starring at the water wondering what in the world I'm doing there. Why aren't I setting up my classroom?! The economy has been in the shitter ever since I graduated college, pretty much. I thought for sure teaching would be a guaranteed job! It seems like everyone wants to be a teacher in Raleigh. Especially white women. But what else can I do? I guess I'm just freewheelin' it. Something has to happen eventually.

All I can think of right now is Bob Dylan during times like these:

How does it feel?

To be on your own

No direction home

A complete unknown

Like a rolling stone.

welcome back!

I am finding that there are not enough hours in the day. School is back in full swing now and the pressure to do everything imaginable, including save the world, all by the end of the semester is on! My head is spinning with things to do, say, write, or remember to do, say, or write. With lots of schools facing shortages in faculty, it has been necessary for teachers to step up to do even more. Someone has to do the job at the end of the day. The idea is that if we all pitch in, it won't be so bad. Either way, we're all stuck with each other all school year.

I found out who my secret pal is today and I'm positive that we are going to be instant friends. I'm a little afraid of her right now but I'm thinking after reading my secret pal's information sheet that she is just a cute little teddy bear or perhaps a glowing little angel, inside. I'm excited to figure out who my secret pal is too. I should probably consider joining a lunch circle now that I'm so excited about my secret pal. How do you choose though? Can I back out after a lunch or two?

Our Principal really wants everyone to work together as a community. He told us today that his kids go to this school and he wants them to have a great school experience. He thinks that each of us are talented and smart people. He cares about us. He told us that we should take the time to take care of ourselves. I think that was the single most important thing I took from that faculty meeting. We all have to take time out for ourselves. The weather is just beginning to become absolutely wonderful. Finally cool enough to just enjoy being outside. This past weekend, Matt and I floated down the Neuse for a couple of hours. There wasn't any other place I would have rather been.

E.

hashing it out

I should rededicate my blog to something ...but I can't think of anything I do on that regular of a basis that would be interesting. I could write about what my life has been like the past few years being a yankee and living in the south. I could also write about working because that's what I do the most. I could write about music on occasion. I always feel like I should be writing more. I enjoy it but usually I have to grade papers instead.

I can honestly say things are going really well for me. I landed a job teaching Journalism & English at a school I really like. I'm working as a manager this summer at a very nice pool that has a laid back atmosphere. I'm completely twitterpated and in love with my new beau. Warm fuzzy feelings are abound. I'm going to be celebrating friends getting married, having babies, getting engaged and finishing schooling. I live in downtown Raleigh in a very nice neighborhood and I couldn't ask for anything more right now.

E.

imploding goodness!

Sometimes I am not able to relax. It takes me a few more minutes and I have to concentrate. Relaxing at times can be as easy as gazing up at the clouds and imagining a familiar shape. At other times I find myself lost even while surrounded by friends. I can understand what it is like to get lost within one’s own mind.

I have been so content lately. I’m not sure I have ever felt more like myself. I started grad classes this fall. I didn’t even tell that many people about it. I simply decided to do something for myself and set myself determined on that path. I wish more things were this simple. Marriage, having children, religion, politics, and putting things back together. For some reason I like to take things apart. Just simply for the joy of seeing how they work. Usually I fail at the task at putting them back together but sometimes if I get a little help from my friends I can do it just fine.

I love listening to the constant crash sound of the waves. I also love the beach in what in the south is considered the fall but where I’m from it might as well be summer. I went to the beach not long ago with Josh and my mom. We talked about how awesome it would be to get off from work every weekday and decide if you should go to the beach or not. I love the beach life. I love swimming, hot sand, seafood, and surfers. I figured on my visit that I should probably just try to go to UNC-W buy a house and become a writer.

I have been thinking a lot more about how much I really do love the carolinas. You can either decide to go to the mountains or the beach. Go wine or beer tasting. Visit art galleries or museums. Listen to local music or eat local food. What I find funniest is the youth of the area and how much they do not appreciate where they are from at times. Now, do not let me digress, I have met dozens of people that do love it here and do not want to leave. They are from the north. You might call us Yankees. It doesn’t mean that we can’t love bluegrass, ‘cue, hushpuppies, and front porch sittin’ just the same. I love the farmer’s market on Sundays full of in season produce and endless dinner party ideas. Mostly, I love how when the temperature is just right and maybe we have a slight breeze, it is wonderful to be outside doing just about anything.

cover letters and resumes

I have so many memories of the community surrounding Mary E Phillips High. I know that this school is a special place. It’s hard to believe that it was just a year ago when I was living behind cookout, riding the bus, and working at the Salvation Army. I met many of the children in the neighborhood because they would stop by to pet my new puppy on their way to buy milk shakes. I met many of their parents when I would go to work.

The first time I stepped foot in Mary E Phillips was to bring a homeless parent to the school to get her son’s school records. I noticed the students wearing uniforms and thought about the school children in the shelters that don’t have many clothes. I know that for teenagers clothes are so important. In high school my dad lost his factory job. I was a child that didn’t always have the nicest clothes and I sometimes wished that we did have uniforms. I grew up in a small town, in a small school, and I went on to go to a small college.

After teaching at a larger high school I have come to appreciate smaller schools and teachers actually knowing their students. I am truly a person that believes in community and working together to create the whole educated child. I believe that children all deserve the very best education and that they can achieve all of their dreams. Some people will say that I just have that dreamy look of a first year teacher, but is that really so bad?

Where are the optimists?