Saturday, February 28, 2009

where is the beginning?

have you ever been so stressed out about all the things you have to do that you end up not really doing anything? apparently it's called avoidance. i like to avoid confrontations, work, meetings, doing my taxes, signing up to take the GRE, really just anything that involves "doing." of course eventually i begrudgingly do these things but usually it's not until the last possible minute. procrastination queen. this is also why i'm always late going places. i put off getting ready to leave because i'm stressed out about going. i was talking to gammy and my mom this morning about how i am trying to set boundaries. i personally think the conversation went well. someday will i be able to get things done at the pace i want to do them? i enjoy leisurely rainy mornings. my usual cup of coffee followed by a bagel and a then a bath. after that moving on to a cup of tea and maybe some music. i usually choose to sit in silence when i can get the dog to stop whining. he likes his morning naps too so that usually isn't a problem. bastard. i wish i could nap. i haven't been able to sleep properly for about a year now. it's like not being able to fully relax and being half alert or ready to do something all the time. 
i am alone almost every saturday. and that sucks. sundays are ok but usually i like to get things done on saturdays and then relax on sundays. i get hungry for lunch at 10:30 am now because that is my lunch period at school. 

if i could teach whatever i wanted i would teach .. .. self reliance. not the emerson kind. 

and the cooking/baking class. 

should i get my hair cut today?


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

i am so clumsy. when i'm at school i am constantly tripping over cords, dropping papers, pens, paper clips, really anything I can find. i misspell things sometimes and mispronounce. which is actually one of my biggest pet peeves. i had a kid draw a penis on the board today on a female character, Scylla. my students mostly like to make me laugh which i don't think is necessarily all bad. by 4th block they have got to be bored out of their skulls. i can remember that. school is fucking boring. 

i completely forgot to go to my dr.'s appointment today. i had no idea because i have been forgetting things a lot. am i just adjusting? i feel insanely happy. moving is stressful and starting a new job.  i am fond of things that grow.