where is the beginning?

have you ever been so stressed out about all the things you have to do that you end up not really doing anything? apparently it's called avoidance. i like to avoid confrontations, work, meetings, doing my taxes, signing up to take the GRE, really just anything that involves "doing." of course eventually i begrudgingly do these things but usually it's not until the last possible minute. procrastination queen. this is also why i'm always late going places. i put off getting ready to leave because i'm stressed out about going. i was talking to gammy and my mom this morning about how i am trying to set boundaries. i personally think the conversation went well. someday will i be able to get things done at the pace i want to do them? i enjoy leisurely rainy mornings. my usual cup of coffee followed by a bagel and a then a bath. after that moving on to a cup of tea and maybe some music. i usually choose to sit in silence when i can get the dog to stop whining. he likes his morning naps too so that usually isn't a problem. bastard. i wish i could nap. i haven't been able to sleep properly for about a year now. it's like not being able to fully relax and being half alert or ready to do something all the time. 

i am alone almost every saturday. and that sucks. sundays are ok but usually i like to get things done on saturdays and then relax on sundays. i get hungry for lunch at 10:30 am now because that is my lunch period at school. 

if i could teach whatever i wanted i would teach .. .. self reliance. not the emerson kind. 

and the cooking/baking class. 

should i get my hair cut today?

E.

i am so clumsy. when i'm at school i am constantly tripping over cords, dropping papers, pens, paper clips, really anything I can find. i misspell things sometimes and mispronounce. which is actually one of my biggest pet peeves. i had a kid draw a penis on the board today on a female character, Scylla. my students mostly like to make me laugh which i don't think is necessarily all bad. by 4th block they have got to be bored out of their skulls. i can remember that. school is fucking boring. 

i completely forgot to go to my dr.'s appointment today. i had no idea because i have been forgetting things a lot. am i just adjusting? i feel insanely happy. moving is stressful and starting a new job.  i am fond of things that grow. 

E.

hey, wait!

I haven't blogged in so long I almost forgot what it is like. I always have this problem of narrating in my head and then later forgetting to write anything down. The one advantage, of course, of not writing in so long is that I have a lot more to talk about. It is an understatement to say how much of a whirl wind my life has been the past few months. Someone decided to hire me as an English teacher and also grant me no free time and the added bonus of having no life. I wake up anywhere from 4:30 am-5:00 am. I didn't even know people actually woke up at those hours on a regular basis. Turns out that they do. The news is aired at that hour, coffee shops and gas stations are all open. Just when you are thinking I must get out of work super early because I have to be at work so early--nope! Some evenings last until 6 or 7 pm. Tuesday nights I have class until 8-9pm and one Saturday a month I have class as well. Evenings and weekends I spend almost all free time grading papers or commuting an hour each way. I'll admit that occasionally I will play video games. This is only to escape from my own mind and all of the troubles about the 90 students that will probably fail and work at McDonald's. Just now I had to look up the proper capitalization and punctuation, probably because I've never had to work there. I can say with all honesty that I absolutely do not like my job right now. I feel no need to complain about it though because I've already got a new job. I must be the only person in this economy to have landed two jobs within the past few months. I am thankful that I am employed but I've realized that I'm the only person that can really make myself happy. I didn't ever realize how much that pisses people off. Some people just walk around in life not enjoying much of anything. OR They walk around not being interested in anything. Everything is UGHH, BORING! I can never understand why people seem to choose to be so miserable. 

I am not choosing that life for me. At least not while I'm this young. I imagine that someday I might grow old (If the world doesn't end in 2012 of course, according to the history channel) and I'll be a crotchety old curmudgeon. 

Recap on the past few months:

-Left Salvation Army with about two days notice :(

-Bought one car, returned it. Bought a VW Jetta and kept it. 

-Started new job at the end of Sept. on a Monday

-Got pulled over on my first day of work getting on the highway. Headlight out, no ticket. 

-Started teaching two 9th grade honors English classes and one 9th grade regular Grammar. 

Nothing but Grammar for 90 mins, 5 days a week. Students had a substitute for 6 weeks before my arrival. 

-Went to Urgent Care on a Saturday because I was so ill and run down. 

-Voted for Obama and he won! 

-Took the Praxis Exam on my birthday weekend ($200 and roughly 3-4 hrs on a Saturday) 

-Thought I failed Praxis Exam because I did not study.

-Got a speeding ticket on my way home from work one day. 

-Had an interview for West Johnston HS (20 mins from my house!!!) for a 12th grade class.

-Went to court for the speeding ticket the day before Thanksgiving because I had to work and I got out of it but still had to pay ridiculous amounts of money.

- Graded papers all during Thanksgiving weekend.

-Decided that I would not make it through December. Counted down the days until Christmas break. 

-Got an email from West Johnston saying that I did not get the job. :(

-Decided to drive up to NY with Josh and leave work a day early. 

-Arrived in NY at 7 am on Friday

-Called HR at West Johnston to return their phone call. They offered me a job and I accepted! 

-Found out that I passed my Praxis Exam! 

-Threw up on a plane going to Boston. For some reason the plane couldn't land and we circled around Boston for 45 mins over the airport in turbulent, snowy weather, eventually I just lost it. A few other people did too but it was still the worst flight of my life. 

-Lost my cell phone in the cab immediately after leaving the airport.

I was so happy to finally be back in Raleigh. No snow, no airplanes, not nearly as cold, and far fewer people to please. I love going home and seeing everyone but it is almost always, stressful. Someday I would like to go home and leave feeling refreshed and relaxed. I watched this movie with my mom one morning called Waitress with Kerri Russell. I thought it was going to be really cheesy and in some ways it was. Her character made all these pies and she kept coming up with all these cool names for them like, "I don't want to have this baby, pie" Over the past few days I've been thinking about pie names for all of the  things I've been going through. 

"I can't stand working here, pie." or "I wish this day would end, pie." or "My dog probably hates me because I'm home so late and he really has to pee, pie." or "Fucking traffic sucks, pie." 

Why couldn't I get a job making pies like that? That is something I could really do. 

I had a student give me the first three chapters to a book that he's writing. It looks a lot like the LOTR with all the different races and lands but it is actually pretty good. I was telling him that I never have time to write any more. He just simply looked at me and said, "It's easy, you just have to get into it." I got thinking about that and he's absolutely right. I'm the only one ever holding myself back. Of course I'm sure he hasn't had the experience of writing something and then later regretting it. Maybe he has, who knows. I'm always thinking about that before I write and then I end up not writing. What do you even call that? It's not writer's block. Maybe it's more of a phobia? I'm sure it is some type of neuroses. As for me I think I'm going to get back on the wagon. I've been running along side it for far too long. 

Wish me luck.

E.

new job

Hi Elisha,

We have finished the interview process and we'd like
to offer you the English I position.  Please call
either Mr. Castranio or me tomorrow at 910-436-1436.

We are looking forward to having you join our
family at Overhills!

Sincerely,
Sue Polumbo

Sue Polumbo
Freshman Assistant Principal
Overhills High School

cup of joe

i forget how quiet mornings can really clear your mind. the sky is full of clouds and cool breeze makes my cheeks soft pink. I have been outside for a little over an hour now on campus. I love the feeling of fall. I have missed hot tea and heaps of blankets on my bed. 

the world is just waking up but i'm already wide awake. 

I've already been kicked out of a coffee shop. Josh dropped me off at Dunkin' Donuts b/c the local shop wasn't opened yet near there. I got my usual large latte and splurged and got a strawberry donut with rainbow sprinkles too. after figuring out the library is also probably not open on campus i remembered that another coffee shop was further down hillsborough. Cup of Joe is this really smoky coffee shop where all the cool intellectuals gather. It's near two of the coolest used book shops in town. I could see the open sign glowing orange and I could just imagine sitting down to enjoy some wireless internet....who knows maybe even another pastry! I walked in and ordered a cinnamon twist that had white frosting and glaze on top. She asked me if my order was to go and I said no. Then she rolled her eyes and said, "Well you know you can't have any other coffee drinks in here. Are you sure you don't want it to go?" I stared for a few minutes not really knowing what to do, just frozen in time staring at this fat white woman's tattoos and ugly face expression. I calmly explained to her that this was just my first coffee and I could feel it in my hand, it was about a quarter full. I thought about chugging it but figured the scary woman would probably spit on me. So I paid $1.89 for my cinnamon twist and got it to go. After I walked out the door I didn't really want my cinnamon twist. What could I do with it? I certainly wasn't going to return it. I walked by a dumpster and tossed it in. So what ... it cost me $1.89 to find out if I could sit down somewhere. I LOVE DUNKIN' DONUTS AND I DON'T CARE!!

E.

slap that baby make him free!!!

I never did find a slush puppy. 

days have felt like strangers. i've been feeling weird lately. 

like i've been collecting herbs all day and drinking coffee and then switching to beer.

i just saw two cop cars fly by the house with their lights on. this doesn't phase me at all. 

i thought we were going out so i have on a dress and my favorite red shoes. we aren't going anywhere tonight. 

tomorrow morning i am making french toast. 

no one should have more than two copies of David Bowie "Magic Dance" in itunes!!!

E.

VICTORY AT LAST!!!!

Good day to you,

The distributor in Wake county is Old Dominion Slush Puppie and they can be contacted at (276)326-1413. They will be able to provide you with a list of retailers in your area. Thank you.