It’s been awhile since my company was the blank page. It’s hard to even believe it’s taken me this long to get back. With great pain and the passage of time the words start to flow out again. I always feel such chaos whenever my emotions seem to be taking over my body. It hardly seems fair. A lot of people might use the opportunity to abuse various drugs, alcohol, or sex. Oh, not me, I’ve changed my ways! 

I’ve heard people say that the people that  are the most sensitive are the ones that get hurt the most. Maybe, just maybe, they are also the ones that fucking snap at times and people should be kinder to one another. I almost can understand some of the violence circulating around the world these days. The car bombs, the murdering of police officers, the violent films and movies. BOMB BOMB BOMB. It’s all just so you can feel something again. People do these things because they want someone else to feel the pain they felt at some point. It must make sense at the time. Not saying it’s right. In fact, every time I see these awful things people do to one another another tiny piece of my heart shatters. I’m not even sure how I’m being held together at this point. 

The older I get the more I realize that the pain is never really going to end. It’s just going to keep coming in one way or another. You can’t even be prepared for it anymore. All you can do is hope that you can somehow deal with it all. I have to say though, I’m running low on optimism. The world just feels so fucking ludicrous to me. TRUST NO ONE. ALL YOU HAVE IS YOURSELF. WE ALL DIE ALONE. 

Whoa...it's 2014?

It's a new year--2014! Guess it's been awhile. I can remember when I used to write something everyday and sometimes pages and pages at a time to some special people I used to know. We all have to grow up and get "responsible" at some point--supposedly. I am still struggling with the fact that I am actually considered an adult. I don't feel all that much older. I remember complaining all the time in high school how my life was so hard in obligatory away messages. What did I have to do besides go to school, work, and deal with my parents? It seems so easy looking back on all of that now.

My new goal for the new year is to write more often and also to lose at least 35lbs. Somehow when I started cooking for myself and going out on wonderful dinner dates with my beau I gained some extra weight in what seems like over night. I can't believe it! I guess your metabolism really does change when you get older! *GASP* I remember saying things like, "Oh just kill me if I am not a size 4 or if my thighs touch." I guess you can say I have a healthy appetite. I do seriously love cooking though! I have become quite the passionate home cook which I'm sure is no surprise to anyone that's ever been over to my house. I feed EVERYONE--like they haven't eaten all day. In fact, I hope I have a bunch of boys some day so then my cooking will make sense.

My favorite cook books of recent are: Dollars to Donuts; Cook's Encyclopedia; and Simply in Season/More with Less. 

Proscuitto/Peas Rissotto

I have been cooking chicken risotto like crazy. Matt loves it and it reheats really well too. I'm not sure how healthy it is though! In fact, I've started counting my calories for the first time in my life ever and it's very depressing. I thought I was a normal person--I put sugar in my coffee, I don't eat breakfast usually, but I do eat lunch and dinner! I honestly never thought I was ever really over indulging. Except when I bake a bunch of cookies obviously but who can resist hot chewy chocolate chip cookies out of the oven?! Apparently the ribs/brown rice I had for lunch was basically my calories for the day. I had just 200 calories left for dinner. So I had popcorn & champagne! Cheers to the new year and the new YOU whatever your endeavors may be.

No direction home

Why is it so hard to figure out what you want to do? I've been thinking about this a lot lately seems how I was unable to find a teaching job. Actually, I had a teaching job but I decided that it was too far away and I just thought I will find something where I live, even if it isn't teaching. I am always so hopeful! Now the first week of teachers being back at school has passed me by and I'm starting to feel a little anxious. It doesn't help that my only job right now is lifeguarding and everyday people ask me when I'm going back to school. They always mistake me for a high school or college student. All day I just sit in the chair starring at the water wondering what in the world I'm doing there. Why aren't I setting up my classroom?! The economy has been in the shitter ever since I graduated college, pretty much. I thought for sure teaching would be a guaranteed job! It seems like everyone wants to be a teacher in Raleigh. Especially white women. But what else can I do? I guess I'm just freewheelin' it. Something has to happen eventually.

All I can think of right now is Bob Dylan during times like these:

How does it feel?

To be on your own

No direction home

A complete unknown

Like a rolling stone.

welcome back!

I am finding that there are not enough hours in the day. School is back in full swing now and the pressure to do everything imaginable, including save the world, all by the end of the semester is on! My head is spinning with things to do, say, write, or remember to do, say, or write. With lots of schools facing shortages in faculty, it has been necessary for teachers to step up to do even more. Someone has to do the job at the end of the day. The idea is that if we all pitch in, it won't be so bad. Either way, we're all stuck with each other all school year.

I found out who my secret pal is today and I'm positive that we are going to be instant friends. I'm a little afraid of her right now but I'm thinking after reading my secret pal's information sheet that she is just a cute little teddy bear or perhaps a glowing little angel, inside. I'm excited to figure out who my secret pal is too. I should probably consider joining a lunch circle now that I'm so excited about my secret pal. How do you choose though? Can I back out after a lunch or two?

Our Principal really wants everyone to work together as a community. He told us today that his kids go to this school and he wants them to have a great school experience. He thinks that each of us are talented and smart people. He cares about us. He told us that we should take the time to take care of ourselves. I think that was the single most important thing I took from that faculty meeting. We all have to take time out for ourselves. The weather is just beginning to become absolutely wonderful. Finally cool enough to just enjoy being outside. This past weekend, Matt and I floated down the Neuse for a couple of hours. There wasn't any other place I would have rather been.

E.

hashing it out

I should rededicate my blog to something ...but I can't think of anything I do on that regular of a basis that would be interesting. I could write about what my life has been like the past few years being a yankee and living in the south. I could also write about working because that's what I do the most. I could write about music on occasion. I always feel like I should be writing more. I enjoy it but usually I have to grade papers instead.

I can honestly say things are going really well for me. I landed a job teaching Journalism & English at a school I really like. I'm working as a manager this summer at a very nice pool that has a laid back atmosphere. I'm completely twitterpated and in love with my new beau. Warm fuzzy feelings are abound. I'm going to be celebrating friends getting married, having babies, getting engaged and finishing schooling. I live in downtown Raleigh in a very nice neighborhood and I couldn't ask for anything more right now.

E.

imploding goodness!

Sometimes I am not able to relax. It takes me a few more minutes and I have to concentrate. Relaxing at times can be as easy as gazing up at the clouds and imagining a familiar shape. At other times I find myself lost even while surrounded by friends. I can understand what it is like to get lost within one’s own mind.

I have been so content lately. I’m not sure I have ever felt more like myself. I started grad classes this fall. I didn’t even tell that many people about it. I simply decided to do something for myself and set myself determined on that path. I wish more things were this simple. Marriage, having children, religion, politics, and putting things back together. For some reason I like to take things apart. Just simply for the joy of seeing how they work. Usually I fail at the task at putting them back together but sometimes if I get a little help from my friends I can do it just fine.

I love listening to the constant crash sound of the waves. I also love the beach in what in the south is considered the fall but where I’m from it might as well be summer. I went to the beach not long ago with Josh and my mom. We talked about how awesome it would be to get off from work every weekday and decide if you should go to the beach or not. I love the beach life. I love swimming, hot sand, seafood, and surfers. I figured on my visit that I should probably just try to go to UNC-W buy a house and become a writer.

I have been thinking a lot more about how much I really do love the carolinas. You can either decide to go to the mountains or the beach. Go wine or beer tasting. Visit art galleries or museums. Listen to local music or eat local food. What I find funniest is the youth of the area and how much they do not appreciate where they are from at times. Now, do not let me digress, I have met dozens of people that do love it here and do not want to leave. They are from the north. You might call us Yankees. It doesn’t mean that we can’t love bluegrass, ‘cue, hushpuppies, and front porch sittin’ just the same. I love the farmer’s market on Sundays full of in season produce and endless dinner party ideas. Mostly, I love how when the temperature is just right and maybe we have a slight breeze, it is wonderful to be outside doing just about anything.

cover letters and resumes

I have so many memories of the community surrounding Mary E Phillips High. I know that this school is a special place. It’s hard to believe that it was just a year ago when I was living behind cookout, riding the bus, and working at the Salvation Army. I met many of the children in the neighborhood because they would stop by to pet my new puppy on their way to buy milk shakes. I met many of their parents when I would go to work.

The first time I stepped foot in Mary E Phillips was to bring a homeless parent to the school to get her son’s school records. I noticed the students wearing uniforms and thought about the school children in the shelters that don’t have many clothes. I know that for teenagers clothes are so important. In high school my dad lost his factory job. I was a child that didn’t always have the nicest clothes and I sometimes wished that we did have uniforms. I grew up in a small town, in a small school, and I went on to go to a small college.

After teaching at a larger high school I have come to appreciate smaller schools and teachers actually knowing their students. I am truly a person that believes in community and working together to create the whole educated child. I believe that children all deserve the very best education and that they can achieve all of their dreams. Some people will say that I just have that dreamy look of a first year teacher, but is that really so bad?

Where are the optimists?

where is the beginning?

have you ever been so stressed out about all the things you have to do that you end up not really doing anything? apparently it's called avoidance. i like to avoid confrontations, work, meetings, doing my taxes, signing up to take the GRE, really just anything that involves "doing." of course eventually i begrudgingly do these things but usually it's not until the last possible minute. procrastination queen. this is also why i'm always late going places. i put off getting ready to leave because i'm stressed out about going. i was talking to gammy and my mom this morning about how i am trying to set boundaries. i personally think the conversation went well. someday will i be able to get things done at the pace i want to do them? i enjoy leisurely rainy mornings. my usual cup of coffee followed by a bagel and a then a bath. after that moving on to a cup of tea and maybe some music. i usually choose to sit in silence when i can get the dog to stop whining. he likes his morning naps too so that usually isn't a problem. bastard. i wish i could nap. i haven't been able to sleep properly for about a year now. it's like not being able to fully relax and being half alert or ready to do something all the time. 

i am alone almost every saturday. and that sucks. sundays are ok but usually i like to get things done on saturdays and then relax on sundays. i get hungry for lunch at 10:30 am now because that is my lunch period at school. 

if i could teach whatever i wanted i would teach .. .. self reliance. not the emerson kind. 

and the cooking/baking class. 

should i get my hair cut today?

E.

i am so clumsy. when i'm at school i am constantly tripping over cords, dropping papers, pens, paper clips, really anything I can find. i misspell things sometimes and mispronounce. which is actually one of my biggest pet peeves. i had a kid draw a penis on the board today on a female character, Scylla. my students mostly like to make me laugh which i don't think is necessarily all bad. by 4th block they have got to be bored out of their skulls. i can remember that. school is fucking boring. 

i completely forgot to go to my dr.'s appointment today. i had no idea because i have been forgetting things a lot. am i just adjusting? i feel insanely happy. moving is stressful and starting a new job.  i am fond of things that grow. 

E.

hey, wait!

I haven't blogged in so long I almost forgot what it is like. I always have this problem of narrating in my head and then later forgetting to write anything down. The one advantage, of course, of not writing in so long is that I have a lot more to talk about. It is an understatement to say how much of a whirl wind my life has been the past few months. Someone decided to hire me as an English teacher and also grant me no free time and the added bonus of having no life. I wake up anywhere from 4:30 am-5:00 am. I didn't even know people actually woke up at those hours on a regular basis. Turns out that they do. The news is aired at that hour, coffee shops and gas stations are all open. Just when you are thinking I must get out of work super early because I have to be at work so early--nope! Some evenings last until 6 or 7 pm. Tuesday nights I have class until 8-9pm and one Saturday a month I have class as well. Evenings and weekends I spend almost all free time grading papers or commuting an hour each way. I'll admit that occasionally I will play video games. This is only to escape from my own mind and all of the troubles about the 90 students that will probably fail and work at McDonald's. Just now I had to look up the proper capitalization and punctuation, probably because I've never had to work there. I can say with all honesty that I absolutely do not like my job right now. I feel no need to complain about it though because I've already got a new job. I must be the only person in this economy to have landed two jobs within the past few months. I am thankful that I am employed but I've realized that I'm the only person that can really make myself happy. I didn't ever realize how much that pisses people off. Some people just walk around in life not enjoying much of anything. OR They walk around not being interested in anything. Everything is UGHH, BORING! I can never understand why people seem to choose to be so miserable. 

I am not choosing that life for me. At least not while I'm this young. I imagine that someday I might grow old (If the world doesn't end in 2012 of course, according to the history channel) and I'll be a crotchety old curmudgeon. 

Recap on the past few months:

-Left Salvation Army with about two days notice :(

-Bought one car, returned it. Bought a VW Jetta and kept it. 

-Started new job at the end of Sept. on a Monday

-Got pulled over on my first day of work getting on the highway. Headlight out, no ticket. 

-Started teaching two 9th grade honors English classes and one 9th grade regular Grammar. 

Nothing but Grammar for 90 mins, 5 days a week. Students had a substitute for 6 weeks before my arrival. 

-Went to Urgent Care on a Saturday because I was so ill and run down. 

-Voted for Obama and he won! 

-Took the Praxis Exam on my birthday weekend ($200 and roughly 3-4 hrs on a Saturday) 

-Thought I failed Praxis Exam because I did not study.

-Got a speeding ticket on my way home from work one day. 

-Had an interview for West Johnston HS (20 mins from my house!!!) for a 12th grade class.

-Went to court for the speeding ticket the day before Thanksgiving because I had to work and I got out of it but still had to pay ridiculous amounts of money.

- Graded papers all during Thanksgiving weekend.

-Decided that I would not make it through December. Counted down the days until Christmas break. 

-Got an email from West Johnston saying that I did not get the job. :(

-Decided to drive up to NY with Josh and leave work a day early. 

-Arrived in NY at 7 am on Friday

-Called HR at West Johnston to return their phone call. They offered me a job and I accepted! 

-Found out that I passed my Praxis Exam! 

-Threw up on a plane going to Boston. For some reason the plane couldn't land and we circled around Boston for 45 mins over the airport in turbulent, snowy weather, eventually I just lost it. A few other people did too but it was still the worst flight of my life. 

-Lost my cell phone in the cab immediately after leaving the airport.

I was so happy to finally be back in Raleigh. No snow, no airplanes, not nearly as cold, and far fewer people to please. I love going home and seeing everyone but it is almost always, stressful. Someday I would like to go home and leave feeling refreshed and relaxed. I watched this movie with my mom one morning called Waitress with Kerri Russell. I thought it was going to be really cheesy and in some ways it was. Her character made all these pies and she kept coming up with all these cool names for them like, "I don't want to have this baby, pie" Over the past few days I've been thinking about pie names for all of the  things I've been going through. 

"I can't stand working here, pie." or "I wish this day would end, pie." or "My dog probably hates me because I'm home so late and he really has to pee, pie." or "Fucking traffic sucks, pie." 

Why couldn't I get a job making pies like that? That is something I could really do. 

I had a student give me the first three chapters to a book that he's writing. It looks a lot like the LOTR with all the different races and lands but it is actually pretty good. I was telling him that I never have time to write any more. He just simply looked at me and said, "It's easy, you just have to get into it." I got thinking about that and he's absolutely right. I'm the only one ever holding myself back. Of course I'm sure he hasn't had the experience of writing something and then later regretting it. Maybe he has, who knows. I'm always thinking about that before I write and then I end up not writing. What do you even call that? It's not writer's block. Maybe it's more of a phobia? I'm sure it is some type of neuroses. As for me I think I'm going to get back on the wagon. I've been running along side it for far too long. 

Wish me luck.

E.

new job

Hi Elisha,

We have finished the interview process and we'd like
to offer you the English I position.  Please call
either Mr. Castranio or me tomorrow at 910-436-1436.

We are looking forward to having you join our
family at Overhills!

Sincerely,
Sue Polumbo

Sue Polumbo
Freshman Assistant Principal
Overhills High School

cup of joe

i forget how quiet mornings can really clear your mind. the sky is full of clouds and cool breeze makes my cheeks soft pink. I have been outside for a little over an hour now on campus. I love the feeling of fall. I have missed hot tea and heaps of blankets on my bed. 

the world is just waking up but i'm already wide awake. 

I've already been kicked out of a coffee shop. Josh dropped me off at Dunkin' Donuts b/c the local shop wasn't opened yet near there. I got my usual large latte and splurged and got a strawberry donut with rainbow sprinkles too. after figuring out the library is also probably not open on campus i remembered that another coffee shop was further down hillsborough. Cup of Joe is this really smoky coffee shop where all the cool intellectuals gather. It's near two of the coolest used book shops in town. I could see the open sign glowing orange and I could just imagine sitting down to enjoy some wireless internet....who knows maybe even another pastry! I walked in and ordered a cinnamon twist that had white frosting and glaze on top. She asked me if my order was to go and I said no. Then she rolled her eyes and said, "Well you know you can't have any other coffee drinks in here. Are you sure you don't want it to go?" I stared for a few minutes not really knowing what to do, just frozen in time staring at this fat white woman's tattoos and ugly face expression. I calmly explained to her that this was just my first coffee and I could feel it in my hand, it was about a quarter full. I thought about chugging it but figured the scary woman would probably spit on me. So I paid $1.89 for my cinnamon twist and got it to go. After I walked out the door I didn't really want my cinnamon twist. What could I do with it? I certainly wasn't going to return it. I walked by a dumpster and tossed it in. So what ... it cost me $1.89 to find out if I could sit down somewhere. I LOVE DUNKIN' DONUTS AND I DON'T CARE!!

E.

slap that baby make him free!!!

I never did find a slush puppy. 

days have felt like strangers. i've been feeling weird lately. 

like i've been collecting herbs all day and drinking coffee and then switching to beer.

i just saw two cop cars fly by the house with their lights on. this doesn't phase me at all. 

i thought we were going out so i have on a dress and my favorite red shoes. we aren't going anywhere tonight. 

tomorrow morning i am making french toast. 

no one should have more than two copies of David Bowie "Magic Dance" in itunes!!!

E.

VICTORY AT LAST!!!!

Good day to you,

The distributor in Wake county is Old Dominion Slush Puppie and they can be contacted at (276)326-1413. They will be able to provide you with a list of retailers in your area. Thank you.

Capital Area Transit

I haven't had a car since summer of 2006 and that's okay with me. I can't believe it's been two years already. I guess you can say that I've kind of cheated. When I volunteered we all shared a "community van" and I had a van that I could drive for work. It's not like I had loads of money to put gas in the thing though so my driving around entailed taking clients to food pantries, walmart, and the ever famous larry's meat market. Not exactly a drive to the beach.
Before Josh moved here I lived with Claire and she had a car so if I ever got really stuck I could give her a call and a few dollars. On a few occasions I tried to use the bus for all the normal tasks that people do. I rode the bus to the grocery store on a few occasions. The first time I remember really well. I was going to the Food Lion which from what I remembered was just around the corner. I somehow missed the bus going to the store because I couldn't figure out which side of the street I was supposed to be on so I figured I would just walk. This took me probably about 30 mins and I wasn't even walking slow. It was one of those late August days in Raleigh where the air just seems to be sticking to you in droplets. I imagined that anyone driving by could surely see how hot I was and was pointing and laughing at me. At one point I had to stop and look around because I wasn't even sure I was going in the right direction or on the right road. I figured I was just dehydrated and kept going. I don't think Food Lion/Big Lots have ever looked more appealing as they did to me that day when I finally reached the parking lot.
For some reason I didn't bring any of my own bags that day which meant that I had to carry about five plastic bags. Oh and did I mention that we needed milk? so throw in a gallon of milk. I don't know what I was thinking when I was shopping but it seemed like the only thing I bought were cans! I considered lots of things after I left the store and was standing in the parking lot watching everyone else get into their cars. I could just run up and jump in one and beg that they take me back to Hillsborough st. I could call a cab except I didn't have any cash. I could take the bus. So I decided that I would try to take the bus. I watched one bus go by a stop that said inbound. I still couldn't figure out if I wanted to go inbound (towards downtown) or outbound... I had no idea where my apartment was in relation to any of these stops. I decided to just walk back to where I knew one of the stops/routes and wait however long it took for the bus to arrive.
The bus finally arrived and it didn't have working air but I didn't care one bit. I was grateful for the ride and decided that next time I would decide what to buy more carefully. Nice light loaves of bread, angel food cake, and maybe some popcorn.

E.

slush puppy wuppy

Okay seriously... where do I find one of these delicious frozen beverages?

http://www.slushpuppie.com/index.cfm

I sent an email through the website with no response. I have now left a message with corporate sales on the East coast. I am not sure if I am part of the southern region or the east coast. Technically I think NC is on the east coast and in the south. but who am I? I'm just a person that craves the scrumptious sweetness of a blue raspberry slush puppy. or perhaps a bahama mama.

Last night I had a snow cone but it just wasn't the same thing!

Machines on ebay are selling for like $500... so I can't imagine what a brand new one would cost.

no recent revelations

i see those tropical storms heading for the coast. I say bring them on! i have always enjoyed a nice rain. the timing for me couldn't be more perfect. i have absolutely nothing even remotely interesting going on right now.

I've applied for every teaching job that I could find in three counties and still nothing. no phone calls, no emails, no interviews. how can it be possible to be so difficult to find a job in my degree? i can't or don't want to be a journalist because the starting pay is so low. i wouldn't be able to afford my loans.

my little brother is getting ready for his senior year of HS and he has started thinking about where he might like to go. of course when i was in HS i dedicated almost all four years to trying to decide what career i wanted to do and getting college applications mailed to me. at one time i had an entire box filled with colleges. i had applications sent from princeton and harvard just for fun. i had information on programs ranging from forestry to journalism. For the longest time i thought that i wanted to write for Popular Science. or at least be some type of science oriented journalist. looking back now, i suppose that was a marine biologist sort of pipe dream. no one ever told me that really it's just all about making money. you can have all sorts of dreams but that doesn't mean you will get a job doing it!

i just remember that time for me so vividly that i am so tempted to just tell him it's all a waste of time. education is a waste of money. they will rob you and then leave you jobless! don't do it! but then for what? a future working at temp services or in retail? those jobs will rob you of your soul. last christmas season i tried working at ann taylor loft. i loved the discount and even dressing up wasn't all that bad. i hated all the petty conversations i had to listen to about how much is on their credit cards from clothes shopping or fashion freaks chatting about the latest pair of shoes they bought. i just hated it. i hated going after a while. i hated faking every minute that i existed there. i didn't feel like i learned anything at all. this job was certainly not improving my resume. so one particularly shitty day... i just called and told them i wasn't going to come in that weekend at all or ever again.

Now I have to wonder as I am waiting for a teaching job and trying to figure out how I can stay working here beyond December. I already have a flight booked home for December and it is against Salvation Army policy to take any time off in the months of November or December.

stuck. that is exactly where i am. trapped inside my head, my body, my life.

i have become so angry. it's like black tar filling up my insides suffocating any other emotion.

silence! i am about to speak ...

i always hate starting something new because i can never figure out exactly how that should be done. so for this particular adventure i'm just going to start in the middle.

i am in the middle right now. in the middle of a lease, in the middle of loan payments, in the middle of a job transition, in the middle of buying a car, and in the middle of my workday. it's a very boring place to be. i know that i have to be patient. i have never really been a person that likes to sit still or that likes silence.

i remember about a year ago i had to go on a silent retreat which i assumed was going to be one of the worst experiences of my life. when i opened the door to the room i stayed in i noticed a kneeler facing a crucifix and i just started laughing. yeah right! i could just imagine myself kneeling there with my prayer hands staring at the wall all weekend. i found out that the silence wasn't so bad after all. it made you listen to the thoughts in your own mind and help sort things out a bit. i found myself journaling, painting, and spending an immense time outside in the cool summer air. i watched a trail of aunts for about half an hour, played with blades of grass, and walked around admiring the awesome beauty of nature.

it's easy to forget about all of this when you are trapped in an office 40 hours a week or in a city where the only grass you see is brown.