no recent revelations

i see those tropical storms heading for the coast. I say bring them on! i have always enjoyed a nice rain. the timing for me couldn't be more perfect. i have absolutely nothing even remotely interesting going on right now.

I've applied for every teaching job that I could find in three counties and still nothing. no phone calls, no emails, no interviews. how can it be possible to be so difficult to find a job in my degree? i can't or don't want to be a journalist because the starting pay is so low. i wouldn't be able to afford my loans.

my little brother is getting ready for his senior year of HS and he has started thinking about where he might like to go. of course when i was in HS i dedicated almost all four years to trying to decide what career i wanted to do and getting college applications mailed to me. at one time i had an entire box filled with colleges. i had applications sent from princeton and harvard just for fun. i had information on programs ranging from forestry to journalism. For the longest time i thought that i wanted to write for Popular Science. or at least be some type of science oriented journalist. looking back now, i suppose that was a marine biologist sort of pipe dream. no one ever told me that really it's just all about making money. you can have all sorts of dreams but that doesn't mean you will get a job doing it!

i just remember that time for me so vividly that i am so tempted to just tell him it's all a waste of time. education is a waste of money. they will rob you and then leave you jobless! don't do it! but then for what? a future working at temp services or in retail? those jobs will rob you of your soul. last christmas season i tried working at ann taylor loft. i loved the discount and even dressing up wasn't all that bad. i hated all the petty conversations i had to listen to about how much is on their credit cards from clothes shopping or fashion freaks chatting about the latest pair of shoes they bought. i just hated it. i hated going after a while. i hated faking every minute that i existed there. i didn't feel like i learned anything at all. this job was certainly not improving my resume. so one particularly shitty day... i just called and told them i wasn't going to come in that weekend at all or ever again.

Now I have to wonder as I am waiting for a teaching job and trying to figure out how I can stay working here beyond December. I already have a flight booked home for December and it is against Salvation Army policy to take any time off in the months of November or December.

stuck. that is exactly where i am. trapped inside my head, my body, my life.

i have become so angry. it's like black tar filling up my insides suffocating any other emotion.