imploding goodness!

Sometimes I am not able to relax. It takes me a few more minutes and I have to concentrate. Relaxing at times can be as easy as gazing up at the clouds and imagining a familiar shape. At other times I find myself lost even while surrounded by friends. I can understand what it is like to get lost within one’s own mind.

I have been so content lately. I’m not sure I have ever felt more like myself. I started grad classes this fall. I didn’t even tell that many people about it. I simply decided to do something for myself and set myself determined on that path. I wish more things were this simple. Marriage, having children, religion, politics, and putting things back together. For some reason I like to take things apart. Just simply for the joy of seeing how they work. Usually I fail at the task at putting them back together but sometimes if I get a little help from my friends I can do it just fine.

I love listening to the constant crash sound of the waves. I also love the beach in what in the south is considered the fall but where I’m from it might as well be summer. I went to the beach not long ago with Josh and my mom. We talked about how awesome it would be to get off from work every weekday and decide if you should go to the beach or not. I love the beach life. I love swimming, hot sand, seafood, and surfers. I figured on my visit that I should probably just try to go to UNC-W buy a house and become a writer.

I have been thinking a lot more about how much I really do love the carolinas. You can either decide to go to the mountains or the beach. Go wine or beer tasting. Visit art galleries or museums. Listen to local music or eat local food. What I find funniest is the youth of the area and how much they do not appreciate where they are from at times. Now, do not let me digress, I have met dozens of people that do love it here and do not want to leave. They are from the north. You might call us Yankees. It doesn’t mean that we can’t love bluegrass, ‘cue, hushpuppies, and front porch sittin’ just the same. I love the farmer’s market on Sundays full of in season produce and endless dinner party ideas. Mostly, I love how when the temperature is just right and maybe we have a slight breeze, it is wonderful to be outside doing just about anything.

cover letters and resumes

I have so many memories of the community surrounding Mary E Phillips High. I know that this school is a special place. It’s hard to believe that it was just a year ago when I was living behind cookout, riding the bus, and working at the Salvation Army. I met many of the children in the neighborhood because they would stop by to pet my new puppy on their way to buy milk shakes. I met many of their parents when I would go to work.

The first time I stepped foot in Mary E Phillips was to bring a homeless parent to the school to get her son’s school records. I noticed the students wearing uniforms and thought about the school children in the shelters that don’t have many clothes. I know that for teenagers clothes are so important. In high school my dad lost his factory job. I was a child that didn’t always have the nicest clothes and I sometimes wished that we did have uniforms. I grew up in a small town, in a small school, and I went on to go to a small college.

After teaching at a larger high school I have come to appreciate smaller schools and teachers actually knowing their students. I am truly a person that believes in community and working together to create the whole educated child. I believe that children all deserve the very best education and that they can achieve all of their dreams. Some people will say that I just have that dreamy look of a first year teacher, but is that really so bad?

Where are the optimists?

where is the beginning?

have you ever been so stressed out about all the things you have to do that you end up not really doing anything? apparently it's called avoidance. i like to avoid confrontations, work, meetings, doing my taxes, signing up to take the GRE, really just anything that involves "doing." of course eventually i begrudgingly do these things but usually it's not until the last possible minute. procrastination queen. this is also why i'm always late going places. i put off getting ready to leave because i'm stressed out about going. i was talking to gammy and my mom this morning about how i am trying to set boundaries. i personally think the conversation went well. someday will i be able to get things done at the pace i want to do them? i enjoy leisurely rainy mornings. my usual cup of coffee followed by a bagel and a then a bath. after that moving on to a cup of tea and maybe some music. i usually choose to sit in silence when i can get the dog to stop whining. he likes his morning naps too so that usually isn't a problem. bastard. i wish i could nap. i haven't been able to sleep properly for about a year now. it's like not being able to fully relax and being half alert or ready to do something all the time. 

i am alone almost every saturday. and that sucks. sundays are ok but usually i like to get things done on saturdays and then relax on sundays. i get hungry for lunch at 10:30 am now because that is my lunch period at school. 

if i could teach whatever i wanted i would teach .. .. self reliance. not the emerson kind. 

and the cooking/baking class. 

should i get my hair cut today?

E.

i am so clumsy. when i'm at school i am constantly tripping over cords, dropping papers, pens, paper clips, really anything I can find. i misspell things sometimes and mispronounce. which is actually one of my biggest pet peeves. i had a kid draw a penis on the board today on a female character, Scylla. my students mostly like to make me laugh which i don't think is necessarily all bad. by 4th block they have got to be bored out of their skulls. i can remember that. school is fucking boring. 

i completely forgot to go to my dr.'s appointment today. i had no idea because i have been forgetting things a lot. am i just adjusting? i feel insanely happy. moving is stressful and starting a new job.  i am fond of things that grow. 

E.

hey, wait!

I haven't blogged in so long I almost forgot what it is like. I always have this problem of narrating in my head and then later forgetting to write anything down. The one advantage, of course, of not writing in so long is that I have a lot more to talk about. It is an understatement to say how much of a whirl wind my life has been the past few months. Someone decided to hire me as an English teacher and also grant me no free time and the added bonus of having no life. I wake up anywhere from 4:30 am-5:00 am. I didn't even know people actually woke up at those hours on a regular basis. Turns out that they do. The news is aired at that hour, coffee shops and gas stations are all open. Just when you are thinking I must get out of work super early because I have to be at work so early--nope! Some evenings last until 6 or 7 pm. Tuesday nights I have class until 8-9pm and one Saturday a month I have class as well. Evenings and weekends I spend almost all free time grading papers or commuting an hour each way. I'll admit that occasionally I will play video games. This is only to escape from my own mind and all of the troubles about the 90 students that will probably fail and work at McDonald's. Just now I had to look up the proper capitalization and punctuation, probably because I've never had to work there. I can say with all honesty that I absolutely do not like my job right now. I feel no need to complain about it though because I've already got a new job. I must be the only person in this economy to have landed two jobs within the past few months. I am thankful that I am employed but I've realized that I'm the only person that can really make myself happy. I didn't ever realize how much that pisses people off. Some people just walk around in life not enjoying much of anything. OR They walk around not being interested in anything. Everything is UGHH, BORING! I can never understand why people seem to choose to be so miserable. 

I am not choosing that life for me. At least not while I'm this young. I imagine that someday I might grow old (If the world doesn't end in 2012 of course, according to the history channel) and I'll be a crotchety old curmudgeon. 

Recap on the past few months:

-Left Salvation Army with about two days notice :(

-Bought one car, returned it. Bought a VW Jetta and kept it. 

-Started new job at the end of Sept. on a Monday

-Got pulled over on my first day of work getting on the highway. Headlight out, no ticket. 

-Started teaching two 9th grade honors English classes and one 9th grade regular Grammar. 

Nothing but Grammar for 90 mins, 5 days a week. Students had a substitute for 6 weeks before my arrival. 

-Went to Urgent Care on a Saturday because I was so ill and run down. 

-Voted for Obama and he won! 

-Took the Praxis Exam on my birthday weekend ($200 and roughly 3-4 hrs on a Saturday) 

-Thought I failed Praxis Exam because I did not study.

-Got a speeding ticket on my way home from work one day. 

-Had an interview for West Johnston HS (20 mins from my house!!!) for a 12th grade class.

-Went to court for the speeding ticket the day before Thanksgiving because I had to work and I got out of it but still had to pay ridiculous amounts of money.

- Graded papers all during Thanksgiving weekend.

-Decided that I would not make it through December. Counted down the days until Christmas break. 

-Got an email from West Johnston saying that I did not get the job. :(

-Decided to drive up to NY with Josh and leave work a day early. 

-Arrived in NY at 7 am on Friday

-Called HR at West Johnston to return their phone call. They offered me a job and I accepted! 

-Found out that I passed my Praxis Exam! 

-Threw up on a plane going to Boston. For some reason the plane couldn't land and we circled around Boston for 45 mins over the airport in turbulent, snowy weather, eventually I just lost it. A few other people did too but it was still the worst flight of my life. 

-Lost my cell phone in the cab immediately after leaving the airport.

I was so happy to finally be back in Raleigh. No snow, no airplanes, not nearly as cold, and far fewer people to please. I love going home and seeing everyone but it is almost always, stressful. Someday I would like to go home and leave feeling refreshed and relaxed. I watched this movie with my mom one morning called Waitress with Kerri Russell. I thought it was going to be really cheesy and in some ways it was. Her character made all these pies and she kept coming up with all these cool names for them like, "I don't want to have this baby, pie" Over the past few days I've been thinking about pie names for all of the  things I've been going through. 

"I can't stand working here, pie." or "I wish this day would end, pie." or "My dog probably hates me because I'm home so late and he really has to pee, pie." or "Fucking traffic sucks, pie." 

Why couldn't I get a job making pies like that? That is something I could really do. 

I had a student give me the first three chapters to a book that he's writing. It looks a lot like the LOTR with all the different races and lands but it is actually pretty good. I was telling him that I never have time to write any more. He just simply looked at me and said, "It's easy, you just have to get into it." I got thinking about that and he's absolutely right. I'm the only one ever holding myself back. Of course I'm sure he hasn't had the experience of writing something and then later regretting it. Maybe he has, who knows. I'm always thinking about that before I write and then I end up not writing. What do you even call that? It's not writer's block. Maybe it's more of a phobia? I'm sure it is some type of neuroses. As for me I think I'm going to get back on the wagon. I've been running along side it for far too long. 

Wish me luck.

E.